In my heart

I’ve been really struggling lately with the realization that I won’t be home and able to spend as much time with my wife and daughter. For those who don’t know. We sold our home in CA and moved to AZ in July last year. This move was thought about for years but also there was a lot I never thought about. Since Charlotte was born 23 months ago I’ve been blessed with being able to be home the huge majority of the time. Something most fathers and some mothers do not have the luxury of experiencing. I’ve been present and able to create a unique bond with my family which has allowed us to grow and become closer. It makes me think about the impact this will have going forward. The impact on me is profound but I’m curious the impact on my daughter. Based on current situations I’m not sure the next child (when we decide to have one) will get the same time Charlotte received. It’s kinda like a real life experiment with real life results. I try not to project to far into the future but as I get older life seems to leave me with more questions than answers. I find myself questioning whether providing a certain lifestyle and certain luxuries are really going to matter. Or if my time/presence is more valuable than any object or lifestyle I could provide. I’m sure I’m not alone in this. I’m not looking for sympathy as I know how fortunate I am just to be here. In my heart I believe my time/presence is more valuable than anything but I constantly struggle with the balance aspect. Where is that line… when and where should I cross it?

The one to look up to

I always dreamt of having a little girl. Holding her, loving her and raising her. What I did not expect was the profound love I would receive in return. This girl is a lover of all things. Whether you are a person , animal or tree. She gently touches and smells the flowers as she walks by. She gently pets our dog Ziggy and says good boy. She says hello and lovingly touches the trees she encounters. She wraps her arms around your neck squeezing tight and says I love you. She is so deeply and thoughtfully connected with her surroundings. Sometimes I feel as if I’m the one being raised and she is the one to look up to. Her kindness and genuine love constantly remind me of what is true and what is valuable in life. That is just one of the many things my daughter taught me.

Father

Being a father is a title I am proud to have. Being a parent in general is truly a blessing. I was recently talking to my wife about how in most relationship you grow to love a person over time. The more experiences and time we share the closer our bond. When it comes to our children the love and bond is instantly there. It is a feeling you can’t quite explain. Maybe because it is so many feelings all at once. For me I experience love, joy, fear and worry daily. The love and joy I have come to know well and rarely acknowledge because those emotions are comfortable for me. The fear and worry are on a whole other level. I try my best to avoid and dismiss these feelings. Lately I have tried a different approach. I allow the fear and worry to be present and I allow myself to be present. Then I ask myself why I am feeling this way and is it truly what’s happening or going to happen. 99% of the time I am just projecting or creating a vivid story in my head. This has been truly life changing, being present and soaking up every moment I can with my daughter really amplifies the joy and love in my life. Next time some uncomfortable feelings come your way try acknowledging them and asking yourself why. You do not have to like these feelings but they are there and they will pass. They just pass easier when we remain present and acknowledge them.

euphoric bliss

It is all about mind, body and spirit. Expand your mind. Take care of your body. Embrace your spirit. Try to find things that bring you true peace. Bring you good health. Bring you pure joy. If you can find something that brings you all three at once…that is what I call euphoric bliss.